Nazi Zombies: Trapped In the Theater of the Damned
by General-Jingwei
Summary: The Nazi Zombie slayers have gone from the theoretical frying pan to the theoretical fire as they leave Der Riese to find, not a home with welcoming families, but a new frontier.. a theater, infested with hordes of the undead. Will they live another day?
1. Chapter 1

This is my first Nazi Zombies FanFic! I tried to use as much description as I could, and I hope it turned out okay. So, yeah. Enjoy, and please review.

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Edward Richtofen sighed, the electricity tickling his skin as he was teleported, once more, to a new area. Tank Dempsey was just plain old pissed off. He had escaped that place, Der Riese, only to be brought to here, wherever here was. Takeo Masaki was thinking about honor. And Nikolai Belinski was fingering his vodka.

They fell to the ground on a mainframe, as always, and looked around. They each noticed they were on the ground floor of a large place, with a small bar in one corner and a window in the other. Of course, the windows. That girl sure loved to play games. Once they turned away from the front wall, they noticed a pair of staircases hugging the walls. To the left there was another window, but to the right there was a door. Beneath the small, thin area above the stairs there was a pair of metal doors, too heavy to move. To the right of those doors there was another window, and to the left a door.

Richtofen frowned at this place. He had always know that the MDT was capable of travel, but this time it had felt… different. He walked over to a wall, the one with the window, not the bar, and saw that someone had scratched something into the wall, with a very sharp knife; "1960, Kino Der Toten". "Oh, my," the doctor muttered. "Theater of the Damned… BWAHAHAH! This should be very interesting."

Tank ignored the doctor's outburst and immediately walked over to the window, pulling a double-barrel shotgun off of it. "Hell-to-the-yes! Come here, freakbags! Let me introduce ya to Olympia!"

Takeo, meanwhile, had walked up the stairs to examine the rest of the room. He had seen the window, and walked over to the door, with it's ornate carvings in it. He ran a finger along these, finally turning to the left and noticing the M14. He took it and said, "An honorable weapon. I shall distribute honor!"

Nikolai walked straight to the bar, poured a bit of vodka into each shot glass he found, and began to drink. Heavily. Soon he was swaying dangerously, and struggled up the stairs to grab the rifle. "Snipers may wear diapers, but we get all the ladies, eh?" He had addressed this comment to Takeo, who, disgusted by his breath, pushed him down the stairs.

"My minions! THEY COME TO ME!" Richtofen shouted, grasping his pistol and running over to the left-most window in the room. He was soon firing his M1911 at the approaching figures. Sure enough, hordes of zombies were swarming the theater.

"Aw, hell-to-the-yes!" Dempsey shouted again. "Let's do this shit!" He didn't even wait for them to get close before he was firing off shots from the window nearest his Olympia, loving every second of his killing spree.

Nikolai groaned, stumbling over to the window below the stairs and aiming through blurred vision. He was picking them off, too, and he shouted, "Come on! You cannot even kill a drunk Soviet!"

Takeo stayed at his window and crouched, coolly taking aim and getting headshots galore. "You have _no _honor. I shall give you honor… in death."

After a few minutes passed uneventfully, Richtofen sighed. "I HAVE NO AMMO!" he screamed, backing away from his window and allowing his 'minions' to break through the barrier.

"Doc! The hell you doing?" Tank screamed, barely fending off his horde as it was.

"Silence, Dempshey! I am giving my minions zeir DEATHS!" With that, the doctor rushed at them and began plunging his knife in and out of the undead flesh addicts. "All hail ze fuehrer!" he sang, as he distributed a second death to all of his creations.

"You have _much _honor, doctor!" Takeo shouted, noting Richtofen's killing spree on the ground as he calmly kept his area clean.

Meanwhile, Nikolai's aim was getting worse. He had had several near-break-ins, and was getting worried. "Uh, hey guys! I may need some help over here!"

"Vhat is that, Russian? You are scared and vish to run? OKAY!" Richtofen turned and lobbed a grenade at Nikolai, who proceeded to run like hell out of his little alcove. He dove for cover as the frag exploded, pieces of debris showering him as he lay there. Richtofen didn't even pause in killing his zombies, and he was actually _driving them back_. That's just insane.

The flow of zombies gradually slowed to a trickle, then stopped all together. "Zhe more advanced forms of my minions have been coming. Ve should move on, find some better veapons before ve are completely over-run." They regrouped in the center of the room, right near the mainframe. Nikolai sat down and rubbed his temples as everyone else stood and talked.

"I agree with the doc. I found more ammo for my shotgun, but this… it seems to be getting weaker."

"I told you, Dempshey, ze zombies are getting stronger."

"Yeah, well, I still say we move. Which door do we take, though?"

That question was answered for them as the area above the stairs collapsed onto the ground below them. The frag had caused some structural support that had taken until now to make itself known; well, that was one less thing to argue about. They all headed upstairs and into the Upper Hall, a small area with a balcony and a hallway that leads to a large square area with a window and another door.

"I do not like ze looks of zhis room! It has portraits of US!" The doctor screamed this as he waved a hand at the right wall of the square area, which did indeed have portraits of each member in this room. There was also a blank one, which no one examined closely.

They quickly opened the door to the left of the square area, finding themselves in a Foyer. This room had the same two staircases as the earlier one, but it was much larger. It had a small square room off to the left side, this one with yet another shotgun and another window. To the right, there was another window, this time on the floor, with an MP40 next to it. The ground floor was a large area with a door to the front and another window to the back. There was a table with chairs and… a turret stacked on top of it.

"Aw, HELL YES!" Tank shouted, grabbing the shotgun and eyeing the turret wistfully.

"Powapowapowapowapowa! We must turn on ze powa for ze turret to work!" Richtofen shouted as he grabbed the MP40 and manned his window.

Takeo and Nikolai kept their M14s, odd choices in the other's opinions, and guarded the stairs. Soon, they all heard the usual moans and screams echoing throughout the building. "Here come the beasts of dishonor!" Takeo shouted, leveling the rifle against his shoulder. Nikolai simply grunted and raised his weapon as well.

"My minions! ZEY RETURN TO ME!" Richtofen was overjoyed and started randomly throwing grenades through his window.

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I hate to have to threaten you like this, but Nikolai gave me a message: "Review or I will stab you with broken wodka (Wodka not Vodka) bottle!"  
He has slight drinking problems, eh?


	2. Comic Relief

Alright! Here's chapter two, and I'd like to give a thousand thanks to the following reviewers:

117: (The two epicest people ever, BTW) Thanks! I'd never heard that before, but you can guess what I'll put in the next chapter...

Shelbathorus Rex: (if I spelled that right) I agree. With everything you just said. Oh, yeah, and I updated! XD

TrevTrev04: Thanks!

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He soon ran out, and wondered aloud, "HOW can I be running out of ammo? Ze Illuminati said-" He cut himself off, biting his lip. _Zey vill have me KILLED! _he thought, with an odd touch of joy. He was a weird one, alright…

"I need a drink! Damn zombies….fuck off!" Nikolai, whose M14 shots were getting sporadically less precise. They also slowed down, and finally he ran out of ammo. "Damn it, Taki, take my place! I'm getting a new gun!" Nikolai dashed over to the ground floor, where he to grasped a MP40.

By the time he got back, Takeo had run out of ammo as well. He had resorted to using his gun as a baseball bat and beating several zombies to (their second) death. Nikolai started spraying bullets in order to give Takeo cover, for he was halfway up the flight of steps that led to the square room. Takeo leaped over the rail and landed agilely on his feet.

As he ran to get his gun, Tank shouted, "Crap! They're comin' in! Hey, Nazi, some help?"

"Not until I can ensure ze death of my minions over here! ZEY TRIED TO _KISS _ME!" was the doctor's reply. He was quickly backing away, all of the boards ripped from his window. He tripped over his shoe, laying on his back and firing with one hand as he pushed himself up with the other. He got up and his gun clicked, so he knocked the magazine out and started bludgeoning the zombies.

Takeo jogged over to the window where Tank's break was and assisted, with Tank taking the window attached to the wall by the stairs. The zombies seemed to have stopped coming from upstairs, so Nikolai sat down at his post and wiped his forehead, moaning about vodka. Well, he had drank all of his vodka on arrival, so… he was in withdrawal. Already.

Once again, the river of Zeds slowed and stopped. Tank took a deep breath and tossed his ammo-less gun to the side, cracking his neck and knuckles. "Damn. I liked that Stakeout. Hey, should we move on? I mean, we could just grab more ammo, but… they're getting harder to kill. Again. Plus, I'd really like to turn the power on. Mostly for the turrets."

Richtofen, Takeo, Nikolai, and Tank all pulled a chair off of the table, noting that the turret's wires were exposed beneath the chairs. Whoever had set it up had done so professionally- no zombie would be smart enough to rip out the wires, but they'd covered them just in case. "Vell, perhaps ve should move on. Takeo, vhat do you think?"

"I agree with the doctor. Those beasts are getting less and less honorable. Vell, let us continue through that door." Nikolai had noticed that no one had consulted him, and asked, "Hey! Why the hell didn't you ask me?"

"'Cuz you're drunk as hell, Nikki," Tank replied. "Let's do this." So, they opened the door and walked into a long room, with many offshoots and a wall in the center. This looked to be the Theater's Dressing Room, telling the slayers how close they were to the Theater. Richtofen squealed in delight, running over to the wall; a long, thin wooden box lay atop a pile of crates. "Wunderunterstützung! HOW VUNDERBAR!"

"Uh, what the hell you talkin' 'bout, doc? My German's rusty."

"Wunderunterstützung! Ze German for… eh, 'wonder support', I believe. Ze box uses zat camera above it to examine ze situation, and provides ze best item to help vith said situation. But… vhere is ze camera? Vhy are zhere quvestion marks on its surface? Oh, Samantha, I taught you better zhan zhat!" In the distance, there was the sound of a girl's eerie laughter, echoing throughout the building. "Oh, vell!" Richtofen shouted, shoving open the lid unceremoniously. Instantly a sort of lottery music began playing, and weapons were visible, quickly rotating beneath the box, in the inter-connected crates. Richtofen sighed. _This isn't how it usually works,_ he thought, _but oh well. It does seem to still work. _

A weapon popped out of the box, and Richtofen grabbed it. It was a Heckler-and-Koch light machine gun, an HK21 otherwise. "Damn! Zis is not vhat I vanted!" He sighed and walked over to the final door that stood between the slayers and the stage. Richtofen sat down by the door, glaring at his weapon as if he could change it with his eyes.

Tank popped open the box again, and the music started anew. "Machine gun, machine gun, come on baby, machine gun… Aw, HELL!" Tank had gotten two pistols. "Well, may as well take them over my single pistol… they're not M1911s, either." He tossed his pistol to the side and took the two significantly stronger pistols out of the box.

Takeo was up next, and he walked up to the box, lifting the lid… "Oooh, MOST honorable!" He grabbed the RPK out of the box and smiled. Meanwhile, Tank was aghast.

"You dirty _bastards_!" Tank shouted. "That little girl is fucking with me!" He grunted and walked over to the door and sat on the side oppostie of Richtofen, with Takeo leaning against the wall near them. Nikolai stumbled over to the box and managed to shove it open before falling to his knees. "That damn music is pissing me off…" he muttered, before vomiting profusely. All over himself.

He proceeded to look at what he had gotten from the Wunderunterstützung… and gasped, then screamed, then wrung his hands in delight. "MY VODKA!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, grasping the three bottles that had just come out of the box.

"Do not drink zhat, Russian. It vill kill you. Petrol, it's a Molotov Cocktail, eh? On second thought, drink it. Please." Richtofen had gotten up and groaned, stretching. "Vell, ve're alone for now. Looks like ve may have a vhile to rest." Tank, too, stood up and stretched.

"Hey, doc, do these theatres have a place to sleep? I'm fuckin' tired." Tank looked over at the doctor, who was frowning at Takeo. Intently. "Doc? The hell are you looking at?" Richtofen continued to stare. Intently.

"Ze Japanese is vearing my pants."

"WHAT THE HELL?" Tank screamed, eyes wide as he spun in a circle in a desperate attempt to get certain images out of hisi mind. "WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK are you talking about, ya fuckin' Nazi?"

"Ze Japanese soldier. He is vearing my pants. I do not know how he got my pants. I thought _I _was vearing zhem. But Takeo Masaki stole my pants." After receiving only blank looks from anyone, including the completely wasted, quivering form of Nikolai on the floor. "Vhat? It is called _comic relief_, people, come on. I zhought ve could use zome laughter." He received more blank stares.

"Eh, right. The German has finally lost it," Nikolai concluded. "Eh, we should move on. Before he takes Takeo's pants off. Who agrees?" Hands were raised, all but the doctor's.

"You have no sense of humor. Do you know zhat? None at all. None of you. Let us go on, now." With no further ado, he opened the door and they saw… A long corridor. Or, that is what the group thought at first. It was soon revealed that this was actually the "backstage" area, with the curtain on one side of it.

"Aw, hell. That looks like one shitload of fabric. You think we can lift it?" Tank was eyeing the thick, heavy curtain warily.

"It is German made. Zhey did not vant anyone to move it vithout ze power on, so it vill not be moved withut the power on."

"So. Are we screwed? I mean, I see a door at the end of the… place, but I don't think it leads anywhere important, because of how rusty it is." Tank sighed. Out of the frying pan…

Takeo suddenly chimed in with, "Hold on one second. Isn't that the power box there?" He jogged over to a large metal box with a lever on one side of it and, like the crazy monkey he is, pulled it without any further consult.

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Here we are. Same drill, review if you want, don't if you don't... want... 0.0

Also, I gave the random box a backstory. Try to make sense of it if you want.

Wunderunterstützung: Wonder Support in German


	3. The Element runs wild

I would like to thank all of my reviewers, without whom I would not be writing:

117: Hm. I meant to put that in... next chapter.  
Shelbathaurus Rex: Thanks! A bunch!  
TrevTrev: Thank you, I try.  
AG Acid:... uh, thanks!  
TrevTrev: Well, I'm trying to keep this fairly real, so I don't think I'll include that... maybe in one I write about Five..?  
SaneFangirl: (glad one exists) Yeah, I love Richtofen too. No, the box isn't magic. It's run by Gremlins!  
Slobagel: Next chapter. FOR SURE.  
Head of Torchwood: (... HEY! I'm a Torchwood/Doctor Who fan, too! I wrote a story on it!) Thanks for the awesome reviews, I do go for speechless effect...

And, that's it! Enjoy!

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Fortunately, all that happened was the power turning on. Well, and then the huge hundred-and-fucking-one pound curtain opening . And, after that, a loud electric crackling. Oh, and did I mention most of the ceiling collapsing inward?

They all ran to the left, down a set of four stairs… and Richtofen squealed in delight. "OH MY GOD! IT IS STILL OPERATIONAL!" He ran up and hugged the cold metal machine, which all of the group knew was called a teleporter. It was round, with the front half open so that the people could walk in. "I MUST USE IT! ZE ELECTRICITY… IT TICKLES!"

"Yeah. He lost it," Tank concluded. "Actually, did he ever have it…?" He then proceeded to fall to his knees. "OH MY GOD! IT'S JUGGERNOG! It always gives me SUCH hot dreams- err, such a rush." He got up and ran across the thin area between the rows of seats and grabbed a bottle of the delicious red substance. "It tastes like cherries… mm. Reach for me, Jugger-Girl…"

"Most dishonorable, American. You are disappointing. However, I too will partake of the substance, for I find its effects pleasing." He picked up a bottle and downed it in one, _huge_, gulp. "Ah. I have a much better chance now… I can feel the power surging through my veins!"

_If only_, thought Richtofen, _he knew how true that was! I remember making those drinks… pure German ingenuity… they combine chemical elements, basically utilizing the natural chemicals in your body and enhancing them tenfold! _He stopped thinking and slid his hands down the inside of the device, searching… yes, he found the lever. He pulled it down, and was pleased to find that there was no timer. He could take as much time as he needed to activate the teleporter, which was good, considering the most direct path to it was blocked. By him. Whoops.

Nikolai walked up to the Juggernog machine and eyed it warily. "Does it produce vodka?" He knew the answer to this, but he didn't care. Sighing, he reached into the machine and heard, _Reach for Juggernog tonight! _which he disagreed with. "Reach for vodka toniiight…" he mumbled to himself as he swigged his drink, belching loudly. "Hey, where'd the Nazi go?"

"Meh. I think he went to go finger himself- er. I mean, fuck with the teleporter." Dempsey was more interested in his empty bottle of Juggernog. "Woah. Lookit all the colors…"

"I think the American got a bad bottle… hell, _I'm _not even acting like tha- blergh." Nikolai vomited- explosively- all over the floor, and wiped his lips. "Damn. I'm worse." The green spot on the floor was also tinted with red, and Nikolai groaned and rolled over… before they heard it. The groans, the screams, and the snarls. Christ; the undead had returned. Takeo, Nikolai, and Tank took up positions, Takeo guarding the doorway that had led there, Tank strolling around the center aisle, and Nikolai guarding several different windows. What of the doctor, you ask?

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In the Lobby

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"DAMN IT!" Richtofen screamed, stomping on the mainframe in anger. "Attach god damned grommet C to motherfucking- SCREW IT just press buttons!" Richtofen had just managed to link the teleporter to the mainframe when he hear the zombies approaching. "Ze Illuminati will NOT be plea- or… will zey? Quevstions to ponder as I run for my life." And run he did, randomly firing his weapon behind him. Soon, in the foyer, actually, he was cornered; the zombies were coming from the dressing room as well.

He stopped and assessed his options. He could continue; he could try to stand his ground; or, he could pull off his shirt and shove a grenade up his anus. Well, that wouldn't help, but it was looking easier than everything else. Edward Richtofen made his decision; he ran forward, spraying and praying, as they say.

He stopped as his vision was tinted red; a spurt of blood had hit him in the eye. "My minions! ZEY BLEED FOR ME!" He burst out laughing and continued blind firing, until he realized that he needed to reload. Pulling out his MP40, he let his Heckler and Koch hang across his neck as he fired his submachine gun. Of course, he soon had to reload that one, too. He grabbed both of his guns, one in each hand, and began beating his "minions".

He somehow managed to clear a path, and ran into the backstage area. As he dashed to Takeo's side, desperate for a break, he felt a heavy blow across his back. It made a loud _thump _sound, and Richtofen fell to the ground with a groan. He rolled over on his back, which actually hurt less then it had on his front… odd, and pulled out his pistol. Which he had previously been out of ammo for. And he had forgotten… until about now. He groaned and tossed it to the side, motioning for Nikolai to come over to him as Takeo valiantly defended them.

"Is alcohol needed?" Nikolai asked, looking at his empty bottle sadly. Petrol was sounding pretty good right about now… "Oh! The doctor is dying!"

"Yes! Ze doctor is DYING! Come over here, Russian! Take zees syringe! And jab it- _carefully_- into my neck. Hurry!" Richtofen had tossed him the syringe as he had spoke, not telling him that it was full of element 115- Ununpentium- which would reanimate the body's dead cells, effectively healing it as if it never happened.

Nikolai stumbled forward and held his trembling hands to the doctor's neck. _Oh, SHI- AAAAAAGH!_ Richtofen thought, before realizing that the drunk Russian would miss the jugular vein by a couple of inches. So, as the chemical element was randomly injected into his bloodstream, he nearly screamed aloud- before he was suddenly hurled to his feet by an unknown force.

"THE POWER!" He screamed, and began shaking violently. Nikolai could only watch and wonder what the fuck he had done. Tank was managing not to pay attention, while Takeo had one eye on the horde and one eye on the doctor. Edward Richtofen felt… superhuman. "Ich kann der Energie glauben, durch mich zu schwanken! Gekommen zu mir, kommen Günstlinge, zu mir!" He had reverted to his mother language, and was now reloading his gun with lightning speed.

He then dashed into the crowd of writhing zombies, and all that his companions could see was the blood spurting from the crowd.

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German words: I can feel the power surging through me! Come to me, my minions, come to me!


	4. Enter the Demon, Pt One

Hello! This has been a great ride, it really has, but it has to come to an end sometime. That time is the next chapter. This chapter won't be really funny, nor will the next, and the ending WILL be off-canon. I may make a sequel, or an epilogue, or something. Well, enjoy it, and remember... review, or the demon child will posses you and rip your soul to pieces. Just kidding... or am I?

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Richtofen grinned from ear to ear, his HK21's muzzle flashing in the darkness. Tank's mouth dropped open, screaming, "HOLY SHIT, DOC! JAB ME WITH THAT SHIT!" Nikolai turned to Tank and smiled wickedly.

"I will stab you, American! If you'd like!" Nikolai advanced towards Tank, syringe needle held high. Tank, who was trying desperately to stop the flood of zombies with only two pistols, grunted something that sounded vaguely like a "no". He reloaded his pistols and suddenly found himself overrun, in the middle of a crowd of the undead. Then, he heard it… the voice…

"DO NOT VORRY, AMERICAN! ZE DOCTOR IS IN!" The psychotic Nazi screamed, leaping through the air and _over_ the mosh pit of the undead, firing his machinegun as he did so. When he landed he spun on his heel and continued firing, using one hand to shoot and another to throw a frag grenade, not seeming to care if he hurt Dempsey. Fortunately (for the purposes of this story- my first fourth wall breaking!) Dempsey was not hurt, only scared shitless by an assumed Nazi blitzkrieg. He was mentally back in world war two, having been whacked in the head by an undead bastard.

"EAT HOT LEAD YOU KRAUT BASTARDS!" Tank screamed, shooting his pistols with relish_. _And when he had to reload, what did he do? He pulled out the mags, threw them at the 'krauts', and began clearing a path with his bare hands. Eventually, he managed to get out of the mob, which had been reduced sizably by a certain machine gun's bullets.

"Very nice, American." Richtofen commented when it was all over. The zombies had stopped coming, and Takeo and Nikolai were mopping up the scraps. Tank walked over to the doctor, who was sitting inside the Teleporter. He sat down next to him, and the doctor sighed. "I vunder vhat vould happen if we were to turn zis Teleporter on without linking the mainframe? I know zat it vould vork, but… it would not take us anywhere in particular. Vould zat be so bad, Tank? Ve could end this all, simply with the press of a button. It vould be very nice… to just float for eternity…"

Tank turned to look at the doctor and leaned against the Teleporter's wall. "Doc, I don't think we should do that. We can make it through this, I know we can. I wonder if we could just leave? Ditch the place, start over. We'd be in a new time, no one would remember us. You could get a setup as a doctor, I'd join the Marines, Takeo would probably be respected back in Japan, and Nikolai… would be a drunk on the side of the road. But, he'd be like that anyway, so… that's not our fault. What do you think about that one?"

Richtofen chuckled, then sighed. "Tank, if ve vere to do zhat, ve'd be consumed by the endless horde of undead bastards. Besides, Samantha vouldn't let us leave, vould you, you _demon bitch?_" Richtofen was suddenly furious beyond belief. He stood up and ran out of the Teleporter, staring up at the roof. "_Come the fuck out, you whore! I killed your father, I'll kill you too! SHOW YOURSELF!"_ The doctor suddenly collapsed and began convulsing on the floor, foaming at the mouth.

Tank leapt out of the machine himself, dashing to the doctor's quivering form. "Holy shit Do-" he stopped dead in his tracks about two feet away from Richtofen when he saw her. The girl, probably about eleven or twelve, was floating down from the ceiling. "Uh, Samantha? Uh, that… is that you?" Tank noticed something about her as she alighted on the floor several feet in front of the doctor's still-shaking form. It wasn't her tattered brown (although it may have once been pink) sundress, or her grimy heeled shoes, not the long black hair that cascaded down her back, or the grime covering her face- all of these things paled in comparison compared to her bright red, Ununpentium-infused eyes.

"_I am Samantha Maxis, daughter of scientist Ludvig Maxis. I was murdered by the man you see on the floor- the one shaking and, indeed, dying. I was simply playing games, but you two didn't want to play… you wanted to cheat. You wanted to go out of bounds. And now, I can't let you play anymore."_ Her voice was incredibly deep, almost demonic sounding… except for the tiny, humorless laugh she gave at the end of her statement. That laugh was the laugh of a small girl.

Tank picked up the doctor's machine gun, noting that he had stopped moving. He stood over his friend almost protectively and muttered, "Fuck off. He killed you… why couldn't you just stay dead?"

Samantha raised a finger and pointed at Tank's two pistols. They reloaded, seemingly on their own, and shot Richtofen. One bullet from each gun went into his body, but Tank noted that they hit only his feet. "_I have a new game to play. You can leave if you want, but you will leave alone. Your friends will be my playthings, and this man will be my tool. You have a choice to make… make it now."_

Tank frowned and began to think. He could leave now, he could get off Scott-free. Did he even know these people? Really, _really _know them? He didn't even know that these men existed before they had all been lumped together in this situation. Did he care enough about their lives to most likely sacrifice his own? Tank Dempsey made his decision. "I- I'm leaving. Samantha, I'll need to keep this gun, you understand, in case I run into any of your… friends out there." He raised his eyebrows and wondered how the demon would react.

"_Understand, mortal, that you will meet my weapons out there. Understand, human, that there is a car exactly three hundred yards to the north of this building. And hear this, American turncoat… That man on the ground has heard every word that passed between us. Now, BEGONE!" _With that, the wall behind them blew open. Tank turned… and walked out.

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Please, let me know how you like it!


	5. Enter the Demon, Pt 2

Richtofen walked towards Nikolai and Takeo, his officer cap pulled low over his eyes. From the outside, you couldn't see it, but he was waging an inner war. He decided that if he couldn't remove Samantha with brute force, he would use logic. He, being a doctor under service of his honorable Fuhrer, Herr Hitler, et cetera, was incredibly intelligent. So he tried, he really tried, to give her as much of a headache as possible. But he didn't start that way .

_Get out of my head, you stupid girl!_

The more girlish part of Samantha replied, **Make me. **

_If that's what you want, I have no problem! _So he spent the next ten minutes thinking as loudly as he could. When that failed, he screamed pi up to the thirteenth decimal. Samantha simply chuckled and gave him the thirtieth. He recited the World's Hardest Logic Puzzle, and she casually answered within the second. So, she was smart.

But the Doctor could be smarter. If, that is, he played his car right. _Oh, FINE, Samantha. Stupid girl. I never liked Nikolai; can I do him first?_

**Eh... what? **Samantha had rather liked outsmarting this man, so she was disappointed now that he'd given up. Oh, well. **You do realize that I have full control over ypour body. I will make you kill your comrades. **

_Ja, I got that. Can I kill Nikolai with petrol? Death by alcohol- suits him. _Richtofen inwardly smiled, as if relishing the idea. Speaking of ideas, he had one or two- one or two he could hide from Samantha. His master plan, for example.

**No! **Samantha screamed, throwing an inward tantrum. **I AM in control!**

_Dominatrix bitch. _

**WHAT? I WILL FORCE YOU TO RAPE NIKOLAI. I WILL MAKE YOU ENJOY IT. **

_Empty threats, Samantha. Act. YOU MUST ACT!_ It was working. Samantha was becoming infuriated, and her control was slipping. If only he could get one arm, just for one second...

**You... you... RETARD! I thought you were intelligent! Fine, Takeo dies first.**

_Nikolai._

**TAKEO! **

_Okay, fine. Nikolai can die first, if you like. _

**GRAAAAAAAGH! **That was the sound Samantha made- at least, very close to the sound she made. The actual sound was not recordable, mainly because there are no letters to describe the sound. Then she did it- a fairly teenage gesture, she flung her arm up in the air.

The arm holding his pistol. So Richtofen lowered the arm, aimed his pistol, and fired.

At himself. Instantly, Samantha left his head- and so did he. Takeo and Nikolai leaped to their feet, lunging for the Doctor. Then they saw it; a horrid figure, vaguely feminine, made up entirely of black smoke. Barring the eyes; those were crimson, and looked deeply into their souls. If they had looked hard enough, they would have seen another, smaller smoky figure behind her- but no one was looking behind the demon.

"Ugh. That was horrible; you can't just do that. That's... losing by default." She was gaped at, and began to solidify; as it happens, she was a fairly beautiful young girl. Nikolai, being Nikolai, imagined what he'd do to the fourteen year old- a few illegal things. Takeo, though, only wondered how he could help her. Until she lifted her finger, pointed at him, and he fell to the ground and began seizing.

Nikolai shouted and hid his face, the vodka in his satchel whispering that as long as he couldn't see her, she couldn't see him. Which, unfortunately, didn't work. He was soon on the floor, too, shaking and frothing at the mouth. Samantha sighed. "Well... I guess I win."

And, at that exact moment, a truck came crashing through the brick wall and slammed into her, with a triumphant Tank riding inside. "WHO WINS NOW, BITCH? THAT'S RIGHT, ME!" It was only after he'd exited the cabin that he saw Nikolai, Takeo, and Richtofen lying on the floor. "Oh. um." Takeo struggled to his feet, pointing to Richtofen.

Tank turned toward the Doctor, noting that his head was, well, open. "Aw, shit." He knelt down near the head- and began to weep. Tank hadn't cried, hadn't well and truly cried, for years. Since his first day in the Marines- but that's a different story. Let's just say that his, er, tank, wasn't always very much of a tank- especially after the cold showers.

Takeo and Nikolai stumbled towards Tank, somber expressions on their faces. "Eh, Tank... is he gone?"

"Yeah, Nikolai. He's... he's gone."

"Stupid American. Turn around, and quit crying." So they all turned around- and there he was. His scars were gone, his bruises were healed up, his mind was clear, and his urges to, well, torture and maim... diminished. Slightly. And he was back- back in his skin. That body on the floor was his, but when Samantha had left- he had changed. Mentally and spiritually, meaning that he had become a spirit. For about two minutes. And then he'd become, well, himself again. Just a bit, so to speak, purer. Except for the whole torture bit.

There was a general uproar for a few minutes, and then Richtofen raised an important point. Which was that they had no means of escape, barring the truck. "Is there any gas left in zhat thing?" He kicked the front of the truck, scuffing his boot but not caring.

"Full tank. Heh, Tank, tank..." Upon receiving blank stares, he ignored his own pun. "Where are we, even? Germany?"

"Actually, we're about one hundred miles from Greanwich." Richtofen blinked. Apparently, Samantha had imparted some knowledge. "Uh, we need to head south from here. I think. Yes, south. Probably."

"Riiiight... well, let's head out, then?" Tank looked to the others, who nodded approval. They piled into the car, and Tank hit the gas- running over Samantha's head, just for good measure. Then he threw it into reverse, and they went south- to a new life.


	6. Epilogue, and the End

It has been a GREAT bloody ride, folks. I love this story, and although I was without a laptop for a while, I continued it right away! I promise! This will be the last chapter, and I don't expect to make a sequel. I like the ending ;)

* * *

Richtofen and Tank groaned as Nikolai walked in to the house with his arms full of shopping bags. They had told him not to, but he'd been unable to resist; he loved vodka. So he'd gone to the nearest liquor store and bought a month's worth. Well, a month's worth for Nikolai, anyways- which would supply a normal man for a year, perhaps two. Well, he was no normal man. He was a drunk.

"Hey, Russian, what'd I tell ya?" Tank demanded, stepping off of the couch and advancing towards Nikolai. Although he tried, without being covered in dirt and wearing fatigues, he just couldn't be menacing anymore. Well, unless you knew about his habit of sleeping with a loaded pistol under his pillow. At which point he became slightly less sane-sounding.

"What? I'm drunk. Fuck off." Nikolai replied with a drunken smile and a slight sway in his walk. He proceeded to load the vodka into their shared fridge, and it took up a good deal of the available space. They had tried to persuade Takeo to come live with them, too, but he simply insisted that he had to return to Japan. His only elaboration was that he needed to return to "The Emperor's great and fair land".

Richtofen lazily looked up at Tank, who was now trying to frighten Nikolai by sheer proximity. "American, step avay from ze Russian. Like he said; he's drunk. He'll stab you with a broken vodka bottle." As if to prove Richtofen's point, Nikolai pulled an empty bottle from his man-purse- er, satchel- and broke it in half, pointing the pointy bits at Tank. "See? He's insane. And drunk. And stupid. And... why did we let him live with us again?"

"Lapse o' judgment, doc. Won't happen again, trust me." He returned to the couch and glared at Nikolai, who had kicked the broken glass into the corner of the kitchen. Richtofen would have to clean that up later- turns out he had OCD. Ironic, considering he once made a living covered in blood and guts. "Anyways, you find a job yet?"

Richtofen turned and gave Tank his best icy glare. "Shut _up_, American. I have a job."

"Dealing on the streets doesn't count."

"Hey, I had some extra supplies and decided to use them to further my own cause. Besides, Dempshey, it's our fifth day back. Have _you _found a job?"

"Well, uh, I uh... no. But I don't need one as much as you. I'm an army man; I can find a job in the war."

"Zhis is LONDON. You are AMERICAN. Zhey call you 'Tommies' here. I doubt zhey'll let you into zheir Royal Marines, at least not on a decent pay."

"Have I ever told you how much I hate it when you're right?"

"Yes, actually. Several times."

It went on like this for weeks. The Doctor eventually stopped dealing and started up a- mostly- respectable medical practice. It went well, for a few days. Until it surfaced that he kept the dead bodies and, er, "experimented" with them. Tank was accepted into the British Military, as an all-around engineer. He earned the nickname Tank "Tank" Dempsey, mainly because he was so skilled at repairing, well, tanks. Richtofen found this incredibly amusing and laughed so hard Nikolai stirred from a night of drinking and shouted at him to shut up.

And Nikolai, well, Nikolai had made a slightly honest living. Running a distillery. From the basement. The smell drove Richtofen mad, driving him to often wedge a large steel pipe in the machinery and pray that it stopped. It didn't, but it did give the vodka an odd outdoorsy flavor. Which was highly respected by those who bought it. This only drove Nikolai to making more, and making it in bulk, which made Richtofen threaten him with death on numerous occasions.

They all grew to be fairly successful in the space of a month, which was all the time they had, really. The Element had left a lasting effect on Richtofen, putting him in the hospital within a month of their emergence into the real world. One day, two weeks after his entry into the hospital, the doctor called Tank and Nikolai in.

"He's only got a few hours. Maybe less. I would suggest making it quick and as stress-less as possible. He already knows; no need to tell him twice." With that, the rather charming blonde doctor stepped down the hallway, leaving the two men to enter the room and say goodbye to their dying comrade. They opened the door and sat on his bedside.

"One hell of a ride, doc. One hell of a ride. Trapped in decaying old buildings playing hell-games, shot in the head, daring escape, then... this." Tank's voice cracked on this last word. "Uh, the air... hospital air tastes funny. Makes my voice screw up."

"Like hell it does," Nikolai parried. He was sober today, in both senses of the word. "Anyways, doc, you saved my life several times. All I did was... well, you're... this is my fault." He stood up and slammed a fist against the wall. "Goddamnit! I injected you with that shit, and because I was drunk I missed the Juggernog vein."

"Jugular," Tank corrected before Richtofen could.

"SHUT UP. I'm sorry, Edwin. I'm so sorry."

"It's EWVARD, Russian. Edvard." Richtofen spoke for the first time in days. "I'll be fine. Quit crying, Tank. It's unbecoming. Besides, I've know I'd be going to hell early for years. The Illuminati told me so- I MEAN I HAD A VISION. Besides, it can't be much worse than what I've been through, eh?" Then his head tilted sideways. He closed his eyes. A steady beep could be heard through one of the machines.

And he was dead.

Except, of course, for the fact that he wasn't. Because he couldn't die. The Illuminati didn't say he could. Because they figured he deserved a break- after all, he'd dealt with their worst nemesis. So the monitor stopped beeping, and then resumed, but this time there were many beeps, all in a row. And his vitals picked back up. And the Doctor, Edward Richtofen, sat up. And frowned.

"Hey. I'm, uh, still alive. Huh. Vait a second... VHY THE FUCK AM I STILL ALIVE?" Anyone listening close enough would've heard a dark chuckling, a sound Richtofen had heard once before, back when he'd been initiated into the Satanic group of the Illuminati. It was Lucifer himself- or, as Richtofen called him, the Chairman.

"Uh, doc... what the fuck just happened?" That was quite a good question- alas, it would go unanswered. For as soon as the still-living Samantha Maxis had noted that Richtofen didn't die, she'd decided the game would go on. After all, she was a spirit, just like Richtofen had been for a few seconds. And spirits can't die, owing to the fact that they're already dead.

So all the windows had shattered, the wooden boards had replaced themselves, and pistols had appeared on their waists. Tank was too happy to even act annoyed- he'd missed this. "HELL-TO-THE-YES!" he screamed, inadvertently repeating the words he'd said at the beginning of their most recent adventure.

Richtofen stood up and warily pulled out his pistol. "Here ve go again... I'LL KILL YOU A THIRD TIME YOU BITCH!"

Nikoali, who always thought ahead, pulled out his soare vodka bottle and began drinking. "Eh. Daja vu." No one bothered correcting him because of who had just appeared before them- Takeo, in full battle dress, wielding only a katana.

"To battle once more... for honor!" Richtofen grinned and shook his head. No matter how many times it happened, this never got old.


End file.
